I tried to watch the pilot of Scandal and couldn’t make it through because I hit a scene that was literally, “I’M A SOLDIER NO ONE CAN KNOW THAT I’M GAY”/”BUT YOUR ALIBI IS THAT YOU’RE GAY, DADT HAS BEEN REPEALED,” and my head fell off and rolled across the floor and down the street and out into traffic and hailed a car and got a ride to the piers and tipped the driver and rolled onto a garbage barge and was shipped away to the vortex in the middle of the ocean where all of the albatrosses are dying from eating Matchbox wheels and Q-Tip handles.